The Perks Of Being Over Fifty

Perks of Being Over 50…

• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
• No one expects you to run into a burning building.
• People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won’t wear out.
• You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
• You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
• You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You sing along with elevator music.
• Your eyes won’t get much worse.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Turning Seventy And Life’s Other Little Glitches

A while back, I wrote an article about suddenly turning sixty, a benchmark age for sure, but not one of panic. Personal friends of mine in this age category still work hard, play sports, and vacation around the world. Others may have slowed down a step or two, but live in a decade which suggest some miles to go before the journey’s end.

Still time marches on and despite some misgivings you’ve gone and turned seventy. For some it becomes a descriptive and precise time marking the homestretch of life. For others it’s a period of acute denial. What, me 70 – are you kiddin’ me? I don’t feel any older. Sure my kids are now middle aged, but that’s only some only kind of cosmic aberration in life. I can still do everything I did 30 years ago, and better. Maybe so, but for most reality demands a heavy payment for foolish notions.

Yeah, that’s the 40 year-old inside talking, that same loutish youth who still wants you to eat cholesterol with impunity. He’s also the same one who allowed you to enter thirty without notice, slip into fourty with denial and then turned fifty, and sixty into a crisis. Why are you still listening to him?

Most everyone intends to live to one hundred, it’s a nice round number. And we want to do it without too much snap, crackle and pop when we get up, or too many aches in our joints. There is no guarantee, of course; I know that, but if you had known you were going to live so long, would you have taken better care of yourself? That way you may have steered clear of a heart attack, dodged that oncoming cancer, or missed the freightrain known as diabetes.

Hopefully the memory stick is also still fully charged at this time, but if not, set aside 10 minutes or so a day to find the glasses on top of your head. The hearing too may start to suffer now and you might have trouble perceiving the high-pitched voices of your grandchildren. This is not necessarily a bad thing – just ask your overstressed daughter.

Overall, you realize that turning seventy speeds wisdom towards maturity. As you raced along the path of life, you were serious about work, commitments and family. Now major victories or notable accomplishments, which were important even a decade ago, seem so meaningless when stacked up against today’s friendship, family and love. Disappointments and failures are lessons taught to to grandchildren.

So, don’t be intimidated by the years, because they’re a natural flow of life. Regard instead the age of your character, which is something that will be sorely missed when the torch of your flame flickers out.

Suddenly Sixty And Other Shocks Of Later Life

Take a deep breath and drink it in. It seems like just yesterday that you were fifty – and now – without warning, you turned the big six-o. Six times ten doesn’t sound so bad, but looking forward, it’s only ten years removed from seventy which – yipes – is the official age of seniordom. You’re now at that age when you either become that famous grandpa with the kids, or become famously invisible to teenagers. Take your pick.

Well, what do those kids know anyways? Your cranium may be overstuffed with names, stats and events dating back to 1947, but you are now at the peak of your intellectual power. You’re earning more money than at any time in the past; you’re technologically savvy, and you can still network with the best.

There is however one dead giveaway – that body. By now, if you haven’t taken care of it – or if gravity has defied your best effort to shore up support south of the back fourty – the wrinkles appear deeper, the eye bags more colourful and the pains more severe.

But you would never trade your friends, your wonderful life, and loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly – or would you? Not likely. Let’s face it; you’ve finally become less critical of yourself, despite that swimsuit stretched over a bulging body. You now swan dive off the three metre board with flailing arms, while defying the pitying glances from the younger set. Now that’s real maturity.

Hair is also a dead giveaway. While young, you may have spoken with your hairstyle, but now, it speaks for you – without permission. Either it’s gray or not there at all. A shiny palate that reflects the sun is not necessarily the excusive domain of seniors anymore, but those wispy, thin and delicate gray hairs, by and large, are still an identifying colour of the older class.

This is also a time of stampeding change for deep set personal habits. Nowadays, six in the morning is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. And computer time, a wasteland for younger people, is where you actually get some work done.

To save money, you no longer drink at home before going to the bar, so now there’s actually more food than beer in the fridge. This of course helps you forget what time Taco Bell closes.

Your home life becomes a hotbed of responsibility as you become more organized; taking the garbage out on time and actually keeping the potted plants alive.

The trade off’s are those “senior moments” which come around every now and then, when you get to wondering what you were just thinking about. But I guess that’s a good substitute for the 40 years spend behind the plow. You now have less to think about, but those things can be important – like taking the proper medications and remembering you have a cat, not a dog. Cats don’t like leashes and they won’t roll over for you.

Still, you take it all in stride and realize the only limit on age is what we put on ourselves. Some are old at twenty and others young at ninety, so smile and present yourself as an ambassador of a “new” generation.

Yes, the Pulitzer or Nobel Prize may have eluded you, but you’ll still meet people who influence you; do things that broaden your horizon; and go places that expand your education. Enjoy it – you’ve earned it.